The World's Reality

So many lives were forever affected early this morning in Colorado.  One man’s evil, senseless act of violence has forever changed the lives of those that survived and those who lost loved ones.

I have struggled today with my emotions as I have seen a constant stream of news and statements from tweeter’s, politicians, friends etc related to the tragedy in Aurora.  I think what saddens me the most is that this tragedy has only brought a lot of the world’s reality right to our doorstep.  We can’t ignore this story.  It happened in OUR Country.  

But think about the days leading up to yesterday.  Think about families in Syria who have lost multiple members of their family to sniper’s, bombers, and other “military” gunmen.  Think about those Israeli families who just lost their loved ones due to a heartless Bulgarian suicide bomber.  Ponder the places all over the world where this type of tragic news is an every other day occurrence and where the sounds of gunfire are almost commonplace.

We become immune, I am afraid, to the plight of the world, to the reality of the world we live in, when it is not in our own backyard.  

So as we pray for those in Colorado, let’s stop and pray for all of our fellow brothers and sisters that make up this thing we call earth.  Let’s pray for peace.  Let’s pray for comfort and let’s pray for healing.  And let’s take one small step in our own life to make sure we do what we can to make our earthly home a little more peaceful tomorrow than what it was today.

I Want My Brain Back (Part 1)

This is not going to be a cheery story.  In fact, I am writing it on this blog since not too many actually follow it yet and I am not sure how many of my friends, family and clients I want knowing this info.  

I am not ashamed of what I am about to talk about, but I know some don’t understand and I guess I want to find a way to break the facts to them slowly so they can process more than judge.

You don’t need to know the whys either, you just need to know the reality and what I am doing about it.  


So with that said, here it goes.  

I suffer from depression.  Yes, for those reading this that do know me, it may be shock since I have always put on my happy face when I am in public.  But I am like many who suffer privately.  Maybe it is out of fear of losing friends who may not understand the battle being waged between the ears.  Maybe we hide it because our society does not like someone who can’t be energetic and happy all of time.

Or maybe some of us hide it because we feel it shows our weaknesses. I don’t have the answer, but I know there are a lot of people like me who smile outwardly, but inwardly feel trapped in a depressive and overwhelming fog at times.

In doing some research one day, I found that the good ole US of A has some of the highest rates of mental illness.  Again, I am not here to get into the why’s of that fact, but I do want us all to realize that it is not just a “sickness” afflicting only those who some might consider “crazy” etc.  It is an epidemic.  Have you noticed how many anti-depressant commercials there are lately on TV?  The drug companies know how big of a market there is for their drugs here in our fair Country and they are going after it like a lion goes after the weak member of herd.

Do you see a correlation as well when it comes to issues like this and the drugs designed for them?  None of the drugs are designed to prevent.  Have you noticed that?  Very few drugs in our Country, with the exception of vaccinations, are designed to help us from getting certain illnesses or diseases.  We are reactionary.  We design drugs to cure after the fact.  Cancer treatments are designed to cure someone AFTER they are diagnosed.  Where is the research that is trying to show HOW we get cancer so maybe, just maybe we can stop someone from actually getting that and other horrific diseases.

I say all of that to say, we are not addressing the epidemic of depression.  We don’t like to look at the root causes or outside forces because that may cause us to see things are not as good in our society as we are told they are.  Instead...we design and market these “wonder-drugs” so we can tell our brain everything is ok when it reality they are not.

That is what has happened to me and I am writing so maybe others can avoid the hell that I have now gone through and am still going through.

My Dr was quick to prescribe a drug called Zoloft.  He tried to explain some of the side-effects and also how the drug works.  But knowing what I know now, he only gave me about 5% of the story.  Zoloft sends chemicals straight to the brain and it ALTERs the brain’s chemical make-up.  This alteration happens within about a 2 week period of starting the drug.  So here is what they do not tell you; after two weeks or so, you are officially hooked.  Your brain is officially in the hands of Zoloft.  Zoloft then tells your brain...”Hey, no worries man.  There is nothing worth getting upset or excited about anymore.”   The drug keeps you from having any highs or lows is the best way I can describe it.

But here is what I know now about life.  Highs and lows are natural.  They are called EMOTIONS.  They are what make life interesting.  So when you take those away, you find yourself just not feeling anything.  You wish you could, but you can’t.  I first noticed this problem when I attended my grandmother’s funeral. I had been on Zoloft for about 4 months.  My brain was now changed (and I did not know that at the time).  I loved my grandmother dearly.  The times I remember being with her and my grandfather are cherished memories.  So there I sat at the memorial service unable to hardly shed a tear.  I was forcing myself to feel how I knew I should feel.  I wept openly at my grandfather’s funeral.  I sobbed because I loved him.  My love for my grandma was just as deep, yet I sat there feeling pretty numb.  

I knew something was wrong.  I found myself getting mad at myself for not being able to mourn like I knew I should and wanted to.  

Well now I know what was wrong.  I was under the influence of Zoloft.  My brain had already been trained to just let things slide whether I wanted them to or not.  That was when it hit me, I am no longer in control of my own feelings and emotions.  Zoloft was. 

I want my mind back and I am taking it back, but it too is coming with a price....

Thankful

Wow...what a past few month it has been.  The 22nd of this month marked the 6 month anniversary of the May 22nd tornado that devastated our home town.  Since then...a few major businesses have rebuilt.  Some have decided to jump ship and head to different ground (i.e. other towns).  Some homes have started to be rebuilt while others are still standing in the same destroyed condition as they were 6 months ago.  The marks and scars of the tornado are everywhere.

We were lucky.  We have a new roof and some new exterior paint, but our house was still standing when the twister moved on and for that I am very thankful.

Fast forward to September.  We were getting excited to be heading to Walt Disney World to celebrate my parent's 50th wedding anniversary.  As the 1-week mark approached in our countdown, we were confronted with the news that my father-in-law needed emergency quintuple bypass surgery.  His age and health also presented post-op complications and his condition was touch and go for about 3 days.  Our Disney trip then became iffy.  But I am thankful to report that he dramatically improved on day 4 and we were able to go on the trip.

As we took off at the Branson Airport and started heading down to Orlando, we were flying through severe storms that had built up around the area and, for the first time in my life, our plane suffered a direct lightning strike.  I am thankful to report the plane was unharmed and we made it to our destination.

Now again fast forward to November.  I found out on a Sunday morning that my aunt was not going to recover from complications associated with Lupus and she would be taken on life support that morning.  I am thankful that my dad was able to fly out to California at the last minute to spend a few moments with his sister before she passed away.

Then...the following Sunday, I was awaken by a phone call that let me know that my 93 year old grandmother had passed away.  So some quick packing took place so we could make the trip out to California in order to attend her funeral.  I am thankful for the life she lived and the example she showed for me to follow.

So needless to say I am thankful that November and frankly 2011 is almost over.  I am hoping the Mayans were somewhat correct and the planet is about to get a do-over in 2012 because I am ready for one.

I think I need to blog more...

Coping...

Coping...that is the word you will hear a lot right now as you drive through our town here in Joplin MO and talk to people.  Other words used these days around here; thankful, devastated, depressed, lost, hopeless, alone, lucky, guilty.  If you stop and ask any resident of Joplin how they are doing these days, I almost promise you that someone will use one of those words in their sentence as they try to explain the multitude of emotions that are flooding their soul right now.

As is the case after any tragedy, disaster or loss, friends and loved ones are there to help in the first week or 2 after a death or accident.  The person mourning or coping takes great comfort from those who visit or call or send a card to show they are thinking and praying for them in this very trying time.  But what we all fail to see sometimes is that the darkest of days and the deepest of needs comes in weeks 3, 4, 5 and in months 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 after some sad event in a person's life.  Those are most often the days when someone needs comfort the most and most likely that is when a person in need finds themselves all alone.

That is my fear for my fellow neighbors here in Joplin who are still reeling from the May 22nd tornado. A story was published on July 11 about 3 suicide deaths now being linked to depression that some victims were suffering with after the tornado.  You can read that article here.  People have lost their homes, they have lost their jobs and, in some cases, both.  Some families had to attend funerals with multiple caskets and then go back to shelters where their belongings are stored near them in totes or plastic bags.  More articles are being written warning everyone that some may not have yet reached the low point of their emotions and some darker days are potentially ahead for the victims and their families.

These past few weeks have been so very tough on so many.  I even have to admit that it has put my usually cheery self into a funk that has been hard to shake.  Our town was in essence cut in half which means it is hard to get from point A to point B without seeing the place where your favorite restaurant used to be or seeing someone's home still standing in the form of one wall with the words "we are ok" spray painted on it.  We now get mail from desperate pet owners still searching for their pets that were lost in the storm.  The sights and the smells are still everywhere.

So many folks in our town need support now more than ever.  They are entering and the darkest and loneliest of days now that the media has moved on and so has many of the volunteers who we are so very thankful for.

So I write this as a way of hopefully showing that Joplin still needs your prayers.  The victims still need help and comfort.  And maybe this is showing me that I need to be more available to friends and loved ones in the weeks AFTER a funeral or hospital stay and not just in the days before or during.  So say a little prayer today for those in Joplin.  

Taking the Leap

For the longest time I have had this book floating around in my noggin.  It is a series of random events, experiences, observations, recollections related to my trips to Japan...11 to be exact.  The hard part is that I have never considered myself a writer.  That is probably due to my lack of interest in anything to do with English courses back eons ago when I was a kid in school.  But I actually enjoy writing.  I enjoy taking the electron pulses between my ears and putting them down on paper...er...I mean computer screen.  But I am a "pecker" (insert rude thoughts now please).  I HATED  typing lessons in high school so much so that I never took a typing class.  That's right...not one lesson

I think this is why I am enjoying the blogosphere.  Blogging is like writing...but quicker and easier for my lack of attention retaining ability...uh...what was I doing?  Oh yeah, explaining why I like to blog.  So blogging has been a great outlet for me and a way for me get my toes wet in the pool of literature.  But I still have these Japan memories that I want to share and get out of my head so it is official...I am taking the leap from blogger to writer.  And below is an excerpt from my potential future book, "No Gaijin Allowed."

"Again...that is when I knew, I am no longer in the comfort of my social and geographical surroundings.  Little did I know that some customs that we like to hold onto are not that normal of a custom in other parts of the world.  At first I had thought that my airline seat neighbor was some sort of barbaric neanderthal who had checked his manners in along with his luggage.  So here I stand now...the flight is over.  I had survived the longest flight of my life.  Since me and sleep and flying do not really all go together, I am now in the line at customs in the Narita International Airport.  My business partner for this trip is standing along with me even though we were unable to sit next to one another on the flight.  He looks like I do...sleep deprived and punch drunk.  The clock says something like 4:00PM in the afternoon local time, but we have been awake now for almost 24 hours.  So you get the idea, we are tired and not in our right mind which is why we both lost control with laughter when some of the local men made us aware again that some things are now ok to do in public such as make noises from the lower half of your body that resemble a buzz saw.  After a few rounds of that, he and I just looked at each other and nearly fell to the ground with laughter.  I know, it sounds juvenile, but again we were tired and not fully aware of some the small differences we would see upon our arrival in Japan.  But we were receiving a quick education."

Now if I can just stay motivated to get more of my thoughts officially entered into this book, I might just finish it someday and, even if it never reaches the shelf of your local bookstore, I will feel good that I gave writing a whirl.  There is yet some more of my inside poop...

It Was the Goat's Fault?

Now please do not take what I am saying out of context, but most everyone has heard the news of the mountain goat attack in the State of Washington.  One man was mortally injured during the attack.  My sympathy and prayers go out to his family for their loss.

But my question is...why do we blame the goat for attacking someone and then sentence the goat to death because of it.  This same reaction occurs anytime you hear of a hiker or natural park visitor being attacked by any wild animal whether it is a bear, a cougar, wolf, goat etc. If the guilty animal is found...we kill it as if it were a criminal.  Why are WILD animals treated as murderers and sentenced to death (if caught) because we, human intruders, walk and hike into THEIR territory? 

We treat the wild animals the same as we do domestic dogs who attack someone, which is usually attributed to the owner’s bad training.  These mountain goats and bears  and wolves are in their OWN territory and signs are usually posted everywhere saying “warning, wild animals in this area” (or something to that effect).  Maybe these goats are becoming more aggressive towards people because humans have been aggressive towards them (i.e. Shooting at them, tracking them etc).  Maybe it was a natural reaction to make sure they were protecting their young.  So we fault them and kill them because they did what was potentially natural?

It seems to be a contradiction of preservation when we go into a WILD animal’s territory and then set the rules of conduct for the animals and punish them if they don’t obey our laws.  We can control our actions, but WILD animals react off of instinct and survival.

Does anyone else see an issue here with how we react to things like this?

Not a Great Society

"Not a great society."  That is a line from one of my favorite movies, The American President.  The President, played by Michael Douglas, makes that stateroom during a news conference and his staff scrambles to spin it in not such a negative light. 

Well...I am hear to tell you that we (the USA) are not a great society.  We like to think of ourselves as great.  We like to tell other nations how great we are, but the the reality of our daily living proves otherwise.

I believe we WERE a great society, but OHHH how things have changed in the last 50 or so years.  A “great society” does not have citizens who look only to their own self-interests at the expense of everyone else.  It does not have people who look at someone else’s property as simply something to take when the true owner is not looking.  It does not have an abundance of people who lack simple decency for the elderly and disabled of its society.

Let me give some concrete examples of what I mean.  Have you noticed that it is no longer acceptable to slow down before making a right or left hand turn off of a street?  Just look in your rear-view mirror the next time you go to turn off of a street and see how many behind you are throwing their hands up in disdain or are giving you the one-fingered salute.   I guess we now expect everyone to go up on two wheels as they make that 90 degree turn at 50MPH.

Have you tried to merge into traffic and realize that no one wants to make eye contact with you as they keep passing you by and as you sit there with your turn signal on just hopping someone might actually notice you and let you in?  How dare you try to come onto a street that so many already have laid claim to.

Have you ever watched people in your local store rush ahead to beat that poor slower elderly person to the front of the line or cut them off out in the parking lot as they tried to get to that closer parking spot? 

On a personal note...I left my digital camera in the golf cart this past weekend only to learn that someone who took the same cart out after me decided to keep my camera as their own.  I am sure they thought...”wow, a gift from God.  It just magically appeared in my cart.”  Or maybe the person simply thought...I have been screwed in the past so it is my turn to screw someone else.  You know, that good old golden rule of do to others what they have done to you.  Or maybe the person didn’t think about anyone else but her or himself.  I am sure they looked at the many pictures on my memory card where I had shared some great memorable moments with my cancer surviving wife during our 5 year celebration of being cancer free and they thought..."poor fool, he should have taken better care of his camera."

Thanks fellow citizen.  You not only took my camera, but you took away memories as well.  Bravo to you!

These are just a few examples of why I say...we are NOT a great society.  We are a society now made up of “me first, screw everyone else” peeps.  We are so busy making ourselves feel better by comparing ourselves to other nations and exposing their faults while ignoring our own degrading societal issues.

What has happened?  Are we not teaching our children the idea of respect any longer?  Are we so wrapped up in our quest for more that we have lost sight of what it means to truly live?  I am not sure what the real answer is but I can say that I am sick and tired of it and hope someday and somehow we wake up to what is going on and try to make a change.

There is some inside poop for the day...